My husband abused and cheated on me for a Charismatic pastor’s daughter

Former Charismatic shares the pain of discovering her violent husband’s secret affair with a daughter of a pastor of a prominent charismatic church in Singapore.

I am devastated about my broken marriage to my soon-to-be ex-husband, Damien* of 7 years.

I was then a fervant Charismatic while he was not a believer, and I introduced him to the movement. He absolutely adored contemporary Christian music and the charismatic church style. We broke up after I discovered he and a girl who both attended International Christian Fellowship (ICF, a prominent Charismatic church from Europe) which I was not a part of, were taking to a liking to each other and started a sexual relationship.

Fast forward, during the time of the break up, I got out of Charismatic movement. I never kept in touch with Damien but we eventually did. By this time, he and that girl were no longer together. I had no intention of getting back with him and the new me tried to share the gospel with him and warn him of the charismatic movement. Damien would nod but never express clearly if he agreed or not. His answers about what he thought of salvation were vague that confused even church leaders. All he wanted was to have me back in his life, saying losing me was a mistake. He was my first and only love after all.

Being a young, enthusiastic but troubled ex-charismatic, I struggled a lot with my new-found faith and wasn’t that strong as I was dealing this alone. I didn’t even know how to study the Bible in an expository way. The depression increased as I lost friends and family and no one could understand (I wished I knew of a support group like this earlier), but Damien remained. He later attended the non-charismatic church I was in though he found it boring but agreed the doctrine was more solid. He remained a big fan of Hillsong despite my warnings to him.

We argued, shouted and fought. Damien would flash his middle finger at me one minute, and the next he would force us to pray at the dinner table.

My family pressured me to marry him for reputation sake or they would abandon me and my child, whom I had with Damien out of wedlock, which is something of course I repented of. Despite my reservations about Damien’s faith and the Bible’s warning to not yoke with unbelievers, according to my Christian relatives, having a child was the reason to marry, not faith. Damien too threatened to cut of all ties with us if I did not marry him. I wanted to escape, and my then church knew I should not marry under coercion, but did nothing to shelter me except offer me prayers, despite owning a building with many empty rooms. Without much money or support, and feeling mentally and emotionally drained out, I agreed to the marriage.

By then, Damien changed a lot. He became more aggressive and was struggling to settle in a new environment. He would occasionally rant out racist frustrations, bang tables and we quarrelled a lot. It wasn’t any better that we were financially struggling and renting house to house as he could not hold a job for too long. I discovered his lies that he re-added his ex (the ICF girl he cheated me for) after I told him to delete her. He even secretly stashed romantic pictures of them together which he lied that they were thrown away. We fought real bad and he hit me after I forced him to throw them away. That was the first time he hit me.

Over time, the verbal abuse and fights between us escalated and so did the violence. We argued, shouted and fought. Damien would flash his middle finger at me one minute, and the next he would force us to pray at the dinner table. We went for marriage counselling, but Damien saw it as a waste of time.

One fateful day, after an argument, Damien punched, kicked and choked me, spit at me and splashed water in my face, and almost threw our young child across the room before I stopped him. The police came. It was not the first time, and despite multiple calls for help, the police would not arrest him as the laws were made to be “family-friendly” until I filed for a protection order. He was eventually arrested and locked up – twice. They would release him in less than 24 hours each time. I was once told by the police to hide somewhere as they released him!

Instead of supporting me, my religious relatives and family rallied against me, and I was scolded for causing shame and trouble, that it was my fault for calling the police (they quoted 1 Corinthian 6 to justify this). Even some of my church friends said the same of me. Even though they offered me prayers, love and friendship, I could not qualify for church aid despite my monetary contributions to the church because i was not a registered member.

Damien promised to change, but he never did. Many people were fooled by his outward gentle demeanor. Because of this, he got bolder with his abuse. I contemplated divorce but I knew I had no biblical grounds, so a separation was my second best, for the safety of my son and me.

The final straw came when Damien locked me in my house, threatened both me and son with a knife, and snatched my phone so I could not call for help. I managed to secretly call for help with a hidden phone in the room we were locked in.

One Christian sister I met online in this page for less than a year cleared her son’s room for us without hesitation in their already small flat. By then, I had left my previous church. Not one member had offered a room for me and my son, not even my own family nor my brother-in-law, who is a charismatic pastor. To them, we were “inconvenient”.

I had no choice but to legally evict Damien out of my house and he relocated back to his country.

I wept a lot, took up new hobbies and dedicated my time to the Bible and to my child. This Christian sister and her husband have been extremely supportive, and I was touched by their amount of love, sacrifice and deep bible knowledge despite not attending a church (the very kind of people churches would label as “backslidders”), many of which have now gone apostate. They mingled with like-minded Christians online.

During this time of separation, Damien kept in touch on WhatsApp and always said how remorseful he was and that he wanted the family back. I was firm that until he truly repented and changed, we had to remain separate. It was painful and I prayed God to sort it out, though a part of me also felt afraid and hurt to reconcile.

But God wasn’t going to let me waste time.

Damien and was his mistress for over 3 months. He housed her, paid for her meals and even brought her to Hillsong in his country, while refusing to send child support money…

A friend of mine called KayCey* and whom I knew for more than 10 years needed shelter. She is a fervent Charismatic who had attended Church of Our Saviour and New Creation Church before, her own father is a pastor and head of division at the former. She never knew what happened between me and Damien, except that he and I were not living together. Despite her outward “Christian” stance and my years of prayers for her to see the light of the truth, KayCey was sleeping around with sleezy men whom she met in clubs and I was shocked to discover that she created a fake profile to sex-text random strangers online! I always felt sorry that KayCey’s own pentecostal parents kicked her out of the house many times, and because of this, she tried to seek love and acceptance elsewhere, to the point I got angry with her pastor father caring more about his ministry than his family.

It was during her brief stay at my place that KayCey admitted after an ugly confrontation, that she slept with Damien and was his mistress for over 3 months. He housed her, paid for her meals and even brought her to Hillsong in his country, while refusing to send child support money during that same time.

Not only did Damien declare himself single and available behind my back, he revealed to her that he had a one-night stand with another girl while we were legally married! He continued his double talk of praying for our family to heal and get back together, but never sought help for his issues.

I almost fainted upon hearing the revelation. Damien denied all allegations until an online decoy caught him in his lies.

Instead of being sorry, KayCey was unrepentant. She mocked when I cried that I was a woman scorned, and she declared proudly – in her own words – that all her parts were used unlike me who gave my virginity to only one man – my husband. She poked fun at my broken life and blamed me as a lousy wife who could not keep her man, daringly called Damien her boyfriend. She confessed he paid her for sex but that she could not handle him after he got violent with her too (she didn’t knew prior that he was violent with me before). Worse was that she celebrated my birthday right before I found out their sexual tryst!

I also found out that she has been whoring about with different men in exchange for money or shelter, while sharing the “gospel” with them, her twisted thinking was that by doing that, she could ‘win’ them over to the faith! What was more terrifying, she tried to introduce to me men she sex-texted and had sex with in order to drag me down her level – it was sick!

KayCey’s mother was distraught to discover that her daughter lost her virginity before marriage but she promised KayCey for a long time not to let her husband know – until I told him about her adultery on the phone.

For KayCey to sleep with my husband, disrespect me in my house and drop f-bombs and OMG curses without a care for my young child in her presence nor for my house rules, I kicked her out with the help of a few Christian friends who helped clear her things out. KayCey finished off with proud words that getting rid of me was fantastic, and that she had no problem finding suitable accommodation elsewhere and that I can have Damien back since he was “bad in bed”. How dare she uncovered my nakedness by sleeping with my husband, who was my one flesh and stole him for her pleasure, without a care for me as her friend who had been there for her during her difficult times! She remained defiant till this day, and so does Damien who oscillated between insincere apologies and blaming me for his sins.

When I corrected her with the Bible in the most objective and calm way, she mocked that God would not judge her and if He did, He should strike lightning down on her. She accused me as being unloving, a judgemental pharisee and called me awful names when I showed her verses to reveal her sins that she needed to repent of; that she was fashioning a god in her own mind; that she was blaspheming the God of the Bible with her cuss words and actions. I could only answer her nonsensical rhetoric and her twisting of Scripture to suit her sin with the double-edged sword of the Bible as God was answering her for me with His Word. Her vicious verbal attack was clearly on God than on me, while she continues to parade her charismatic faith outwardly and boast her whoring.

Till this day, KayCey kept pictures of her and Damien together on Facebook, although I have already deleted and blocked her.

I finally filed for a divorce which would be finalised in a few months, having also discovered that Damien did not care much about the true faith nor believed in hell nor fear God Himself. He still thinks that I deserved getting hurt by what he did as a “revenge” on me for calling the police on his violence. He even boasted the sex positions of each woman he betrayed me for – and yes, he is still a big fan of Hillsong.

It has been a painful journey to be betrayed by 2 people that I used to love. I have to remain in touch with Damien for the sake of our child but KayCey is forever gone from my life. She is no longer the girl I first knew who was fun-loving and was sure herself she could save her virginity for marriage.

Despite knowing what his daughter did after our first and last phone call, not once did KayCey’s father followed up on the well being of me and my child. He still serves as a pastor in that Charismatic church.

My faith is a lot stronger than my charismatic days, and I thank God for providing stable Christian friends while toxic people leave my life. The journey is not easy, but I’m seeing the fruits of their wickedness.

The last I heard, KayCey has been moving from place to place without stability. She recently tried to add me as friend via her fake Facebook profile, but I deleted the request. Maybe it’s a way of her knowing what she truly lost?

As for my soon-to-be ex-husband, he accidentally peed on his bed that he fornicated with other women with while sleeping, and cries that he suffers from occasional nightmares of having an unfulfilled and hollow life. Both of them have found no joy nor happiness.

It’s not easy. I still weep tears but the Lord is my Rock, my Joy and my Salvation and I am learning to forgive them. I am glad the Lord has kept us out of harm’s way. Had we stayed together, I do not doubt Damien would have killed us.

The Charismatic movement is toxic where sin infests at an alarming rate. Biblical church discipline is being thrown out of the window in favour of ‘love’ for the fear of losing members. Answering with God’s Word is seen as “hateful and unloving”. Those who are truly hurting are betrayed and left out. It wrecked my marriage, but it cannot wreck my new found faith in the true God of the Bible.

What I am even more appalled by the church system – both charismatic and non-charismatic – is the apparent lack of help towards members in desperate need and non-biblical church politics. Yes, not all churches are like that, but church is the people, not a club nor a building. It reminds me of these verses in the Bible and who are those who truly love the body of Christ:

Isaiah 5:20-21 “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter! Woe unto them that are wise in their own eyes, and prudent in their own sight!”

Matthew 25:41-46 “Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.”

Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”

Thank you to my sister-in-Christ in this page for housing me and my child in times of need, thank you to my Christian friends who helped and prayed for me and thank you to all of you for reading my testimony and keeping us in prayer.

Regards,
*Olivia

*Names have been changed to protect their identities

First published on our Facebook on 4 February 2018

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